Poetry and personal blog – Spilling my guts to strangers

Here I go again …

471235_69107547Life gives us many opportunities for “do-overs.” For instance, I think parenthood is an opportunity to redo our childhoods. While some of us repeat mistakes made by our parents, some of us seize the opportunity to do things differently. That’s the concept on a big scale but there are opportunities for do-overs on a smaller scale nearly every day.

I’ve been going through some sort of a spiritual journey that started taking shape in a significant way when I began this blog. From the very beginning, I was determined to rid myself of limitations of identity and self-censorship in my writing. And layer by layer, writing here has helped me to do exactly that. Now it’s to the point where I’m so raw that someone recently asked me to remove a comment they made to a post that could be considered controversial. I can’t get mad at that and actually I’m glad. For a while there, I saw myself becoming quite middle of the road with my blog offerings and therefore I made a conscious decision to break out of that pattern. So the reader’s request to remove the comment let me know I’m doing something right.

Last year, I wrote about living life without limits, and it just so happens that soon after, there was a major shift in my life that allowed me to take a huge step in that direction. I was able to reset my life in a way that feels more authentic to who I am than ever before. In May of this year, I had another major breakthrough that further helped me see my entire life from past to present to future in a whole new perspective, as well as challenged my idea of limits.

As you can imagine or may have experienced in your own lives, none of this comes without a lot of soul searching. To live a limitlessly, you have to eliminate a whole host of insecurities–limits we put on ourselves. In the recent past, I’ve had to prove to myself all over again that I can navigate the world living alone, but what was once a doubt has been my reality for years now. Not only that, there’s much to be said about not having to answer to anyone on a day-to-day basis, where the decisions I make about my life affect me alone. I would trade other aspects of my happiness to maintain this kind of freedom. Growth is a painful process but well worth the serenity at the other side of the tunnel. Yet there are always roadblocks that make you question yourself. I think that’s healthy.

Life has a way of creating parallels—ways of giving us a chance to do things over again. That’s just my take on things and as ever, I’m not here to preach or judge. We all have to come to our own conclusions about what this world means. I’m going through such a moment now; it feels like I’ve been at this crossroad before.

But the bottom line is this: Words are the mirrors of the mind and soul, so to corrupt the use of words would be to betray myself. So rule number one is that I’m going to continue to push past my fears, which means writing and posting what I want. I’ve come way too far in my creative life to do otherwise. So I expect to offend lots of people on myriad levels if I haven’t already. And if I offend, just look the other way. I’m not out to hurt anybody.

And  paradoxically, I guess I would have to impose at least one limit on myself, and that would be for me not to lie or do anything that I would have to lie about. Lies are the ultimate limitations. That covers a lot of ground but it is sort of a humanistic way of looking at morality, I guess, and codes of human behavior. Does that hold water? I’m still a work in progress but that’s where I am today and that is all I can be responsible for at any given time . Any thoughts are welcome.

© Sweepy Jean and Sweepy Jean Explores the (Webby) World, 2013

Comments on: "Here I go again …" (24)

  1. monteplus said:

    I want to thank you for this blog post.  I’m still a work in progress and not quite ready to live my whole life out loud.  But it’s comforting to know that others were once in a similar situation and it gives me hope that my time will come once I’m ready to choose it.  Funny.  Not only did I ask you to remove my comment,  I also made my blog private specifically out of fear that I had been too free or too nold.  Anyway thanks for giving me the opportunity to look at myself through reading your post.

    Sent from my Verizon Wireless 4G LTE Smartphone

    • I’m so glad you took this post in the spirit it was intended. It is extremely hard to put yourself out there, especially as many writers are very sensitive. If it’s to be done at all, it has to be done when the time is right for you. If you truly want to live out loud, it will happen for you. I wish you the best of luck and thank you for continuing to read me. ❤

  2. I just heard Jen Karsten speak as the keynote speaker at Philadelphia Yearly Meeting then came here and read this post, and it was the same message! She added in lots of steps in the journey stuff from Joseph Cambell, but also talked about this insight moment that we return to–not in journey circles, but in spirals because we always bring new perspective, etc, etc. I honor your journey. And truthfulness. I risk offending all the time. Be sure to tell me if I offend here.

  3. Trying not to betray myself either. Still working on saying what I need to say without being afraid of offending folks – because as you well know, there are always those out there with nothing better to do than criticize. Oh well.

    I sent you a FB message, but I don’t know if you got it. I invited you to share your experience or thoughts on forgiveness: my theme for a writing project. I’d seriously love your input. If you have a pertinent poem or post you’ve already written, just drop it in the box.


    • Thanks so much, Debra. As I told you, I have written on forgiveness, but my views today, though similar, have evolved now that I am divorcing and not reconciling! Maybe time to redo that post! 😉

  4. Authenticity is important to live a meaningful life. You risk dissension by being real but then what is life without controversy right? I have always enjoyed reading your posts and I am glad you have found the confidence to rid your limitations. Hope I can inspire myself to do so.

  5. Adriene, every time I read your work, I see clarity and truth. We are all works in progress, some of us just progress more than others. Truth never offends me and I respect that other people have other thoughts, beliefs and feelings that may not be congruent with mine. That doesn’t make them less valid than my own, just different. When I read something and come away thinking, I realize I have just grown a bit more…

    So keep on making me think. Bravo to you!

  6. It is all about discovering who we are, isn’t it? I am still work in progress, but I have to say that I am much happier than when I was younger. Well done for such a journey. It sounds like you have come a long way!

  7. Way to go Adriene! I want to do the same too but unlike you I have not found a way to be daring enough to be honest with most people. And while it bothers me a whole lot sometimes I can’t get myself to do it because of societal norms and such stuff! So I salute you and wish you all the luck in the world for everything.

  8. I’m so glad you shared this post, Sweepy. I too have found myself veering towards controversy on my blog – not for the sake of controversy, but in an attempt to be authentic. I have found The Artist’s Way very useful to help me begin this journey. Wishing you well on finding your own way. ♥

  9. It is tantamount for us, as writers, to be authentic and honest. If someone doesn’t agree with our stance, he or she can simply not leave a comment or not read our blog. Simple as that!
    You stay strong, Sweepy, and write from your heart!
    Love and blessings!

  10. Congratulations, Adriene, for being on this journey and taking on its challenges. Moreover, congratulations for all the clarity that you possess. It must be so liberating to feel limitless and be able to express what is authentic to you. I have been struggling with this for quite a while now and have been trying to make baby steps. I hope that everyone will be supportive of you in this, and please know that I am! *HUGS*

  11. susanpjames said:

    If only. A grand decision but making a decision to live life without limits is a limitation in itself.To aspire to live life without limits is courageous indeed but sometimes no/few limits takes you over the precipice and believe me, it’s hard to climb back up. That said,for a time I lived life without limits and paid the price, but I’m so glad I did it while I could. Now it’s a matter of writing without limits. What the hell, I’m going to stop self censoring and write it the way it I see it.

  12. Gosh it’s like I ended up reading your post for a reason…I’m so limiting myself about what I write about at the moment I can’t bring myself to write. I need to just cut loose and not worry so much. It didn’t worry me before…

  13. Adriene is
    A poet that pours rainbows
    Into open hearts

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