I was wondering why all week long, with increasing intensity, I’ve been feeling as if maybe and mercifully I’m dying.
I feel thick and heavy, like maybe I’m wading in quicksand, breathless, or more like having to remember to breath, every inhalation a surprise.
Maybe not like wading in quicksand but more like there are two of me: One of me is forcing myself through the day, going through the motions.On my back is the other me, who’s in a coma, sleeping off the fear. The walking me is in pain and loathing, struggling for air.
Then I finally figured it out today. But “figured it out” is not really accurate either. It’s a weird duality that happens with me where I know the source of my pain but it takes a long time for me to connect it to the pain I feel, if that makes any sense.
To get to the point, it’s been practically a year since my separation from my marriage. While this entire year has been a roller coaster of intense emotions, both good and bad, this is probably the closest I’ve come to feeling the way I felt when I made the decision to leave and put that plan in motion.
Or more accurately, this is what I should have felt if I had allowed myself to feel it fully.
But at the time I couldn’t because I had things to do, namely reconstruct my life from the bottom up, starting with physically removing myself from the situation and setting up shop elsewhere. At that time I let the other me carry the emotional weight so I could do what I needed to do.
And although I have no doubt I’ve done the right thing, the fear of failure, the fear of having nothing to hide behind–not a marriage, an institution, or another human being–is frightening. Or at least it was, and now these feelings are demanding their due, even though the things I have been afraid of I have been conquering all year long.
I know many others have been in my shoes and understand where I’m at. I don’t talk about it a lot for a number of reasons, one of them being that I’ve been priming myself for this and much of the talking I needed to do about this has been done.
However, something came over me today to let me know that whatever I was feeling this week had to be exorcised somehow. My favorite lyric from an Earth Wind and Fire song came to mind:
Sounds never dissipate
They only recreate
To another place or time
I wonder if that is so with my thoughts and feelings here, and if they will recreate into something better.
No intervention needed. I’ll be fine.
© Sweepy Jean and Sweepy Jean Explores the (Webby) World, 2012