It’s right around my 50th birthday, which is why I recently indulged myself by posting my writings dating back to when I was a teenager. I was touched to rediscover the nonsense about it being forever July in my heart. It was as if the past was reaching out to me at a time when I am rolling down the hill of middle age and picking up speed. It’s true, though; it’s all about how you feel inside.
Justice, my blogging colleague, commented on that post, wondering if I thought my writing had changed since I started sharing my thoughts on the internet. Well, when I first started this blog, I wrote as if I were talking to myself ,as I never thought anyone would be interested enough to read it. But that was ok, because my goal was to gain easier access to my emotions and to not be afraid to share them.
When I realized that some people actually were reading and even were connecting with what I had to say, I started to consciously address the crowd with my private thoughts. Confidence growing and fear lessening, I talked about my marital problems, I invited you to sniff my anus, I let you know that I am insecure with issues of abandonment, I both seek approval and rebel against it, but I am kinda hot, right? So, fuck off. Please love me. Oh, and I am no longer affiliated with your stupid religions, I made up my own. Praise God. So, I do feel as if I have been able to open up more and more and hopefully it is received that way.
On his blog, Justice posed the question of whether we should be role models, whether we should make decisions based on what is best for ourselves or what is best for others. For my part, I think everything has its place. Public service, being a role model for others, I think that’s great. But ultimately, for me, at this time in my life with my kids being adults, I have to live for myself. I don’t want to do something merely for others because their reaction to what I do would become the reward. Been there, done that, as I’m sure many of us have at one time or another.
For me, there is nothing worse than doing something I don’t want to do for someone who doesn’t deserve it or appreciate it, who takes my kindness as weakness and takes advantage, or who simply doesn’t care. Even in the best of circumstances, a person may be able to stomach it for a little while, but eventually that behavior will bleed him or her dry because there is nothing gained in return.
Wouldn’t it be much better if you did something for someone because you wanted to do it, because it makes you feel good, because you want to be a good person, because it fulfills you in some way, and that is reward enough? Doing things without looking for anything external in return makes it less likely that you will ever have any regrets. In my view, people will disappoint you eventually, without fail, even if they don’t mean to. I will disappoint you. That’s what being human is and I’m trying to embrace that and love that in myself, to love myself, to be myself. If anybody wants to see me as a role model in that endeavor, then welcome aboard, I’m honored. But I’m the concept, not the blueprint as I’m still trying to figure out the details. You’ll have to do it your way.
© Sweepy Jean and Sweepy Jean Explores the (Webby) World, 2010.