Poetry and personal blog – Spilling my guts to strangers

One Love

It’s right around my 50th birthday, which is why I recently indulged myself by posting my writings dating back to when I was a teenager. I was touched to rediscover the nonsense about it being forever July in my heart. It was as if the past was reaching out to me at a time when I am rolling down the hill of middle age and picking up speed. It’s true, though; it’s all about how you feel inside.

Justice, my blogging colleague, commented on that post, wondering if I thought my writing had changed since I started sharing my thoughts on the internet. Well, when I first started this blog, I wrote as if I were talking to myself ,as I never thought anyone would be interested enough to read it. But that was ok, because my goal was to gain easier access to my emotions and to not be afraid to share them.

When I realized that some people actually were reading and even were connecting with what I had to say, I started to consciously address the crowd with my private thoughts. Confidence growing and fear lessening, I talked about my marital problems, I invited you to sniff my anus, I let you know that I am insecure with issues of abandonment, I both seek approval and rebel against it, but I am kinda hot, right? So, fuck off. Please love me. Oh, and I am no longer affiliated with your stupid religions, I made up my own. Praise God. So, I do feel as if I have been able to open up more and more and hopefully it is received that way.

On his blog, Justice posed the question of whether we should be role models, whether we should make decisions based on what is best for ourselves or what is best for others. For my part, I think everything has its place. Public service, being a role model for others, I think that’s great. But ultimately, for me, at this time in my life with my kids being adults, I have to live for myself. I don’t want to do something merely for others because their reaction to what I do would become the reward. Been there, done that, as I’m sure many of us have at one time or another.

For me, there is nothing worse than doing something I don’t want to do for someone who doesn’t deserve it or appreciate it, who takes my kindness as weakness and takes advantage, or who simply doesn’t care. Even in the best of circumstances, a person may be able to stomach it for a little while, but eventually that behavior will bleed him or her dry because there is nothing gained in return.

Wouldn’t it be much better if you did something for someone because you wanted to do it, because it makes you feel good, because you want to be a good person, because it fulfills you in some way, and that is reward enough? Doing things without looking for anything external in return makes it less likely that you will ever have any regrets. In my view, people will disappoint you eventually, without fail, even if they don’t mean to. I will disappoint you. That’s what being human is and I’m trying to embrace that and love that in myself, to love myself, to be myself. If anybody wants to see me as a role model in that endeavor, then welcome aboard, I’m honored. But I’m the concept, not the blueprint as I’m still trying to figure out the details. You’ll have to do it your way.

© Sweepy Jean and Sweepy Jean Explores the (Webby) World, 2010.

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Comments on: "One Love" (7)

  1. You know, Sweepy, you do speak to me everytime you speak. People do dissappoint us, if we are blessed to know them long enough. We all have clay feet. As artists (writers) we are constantly defining, and re-defining ourselves and because we take snapshots of ourselves in our writing, we see acutely where we have been-I think it makes us self conscious. We look back and whether anyone else can see it or not, we watch ourselves go from a blunderbuss of words to sharp shooters and back. We channel this into words, where as “normal” people do the same thing to one degree or another, but never are made to face what they were. The paths we lay down for all to see are horrifying, electrifying, boring, exciting…but the key is we are speaking. We step on our own clay feet, dissappoint ourselves-which I don’t know about you hurts a lot worse than someone else dissappointing me LOL.

    You know, Sweepy, this post makes me hope that one day my travels take me to your neck of the woods so I can buy you a favored beverage and “waste” an afternoon disscussing this evolution in relation to the deeply personal art we put out for people. LOL You constantly amaze me with your insight, and just how the lables we assign ourselves, that we think define us don’t mean shit.

    Happy Birthday Sweepy, here is to another 50 years of growth and defining yourself!

    • Thanks for the birthday wishes and thanks for listening. I am definitely harder on myself than anyone else could ever be and yes, disappointment in myself hurts much more than any other disappointment. In terms of art and truth, and even in real life, it may be easier to describe a painful event than it is to express how that event truly made, or makes, you feel.

      I am very self conscious, very sensitive, and to survive I’ve learned how to pile on the armor. That’s ok for the outside world but that’s not acceptable to me for my interior; in my interior I need to shed it all. That’s what I’m trying to do here. The naked truth is what I want to express through my writing, although it may not be comfortable to some (or me!). Maybe it’s an acquired taste.

      Real conversation with real people? A lost art and apparently, a novel concept (forgive the puns).

  2. Happy birthday– I loved your essay except– I’ll be honest”–the sniffing part. But that’s me, and it’s your blog. I value you, you matter, and I am very glad you are here and speaking! x j

    • Hi, Jenne’, thanks for the birthday wishes! I’m glad you liked the post. The original mention of “anus sniffing” was about curiosity and openness (http://tiny.cc/y1kd1) in the tradition of our animal friends, so I think it made sense in that context and in this one, too. However, I accept that anything on this blog is fair game for scrutiny and comment, otherwise I wouldn’t put it out there. Honesty and directness is always appreciated.

      As for the badge, I’m no expert but you have to use the Image widget. Here’s the link that talks about it http://en.support.wordpress.com/widgets/image-widget/
      I hope that helps.c

  3. ps– SJ, would you tell me how to embed a badge or image on the right hand column? thx j

  4. HA HA HA… Sniff your anus! I love it! I just wanted to say thank you, for exposing yourself to us out here in the cyber world. I did not know your age until now, and I appreciate those who have come before who will openly speak of their life. I’m not trying to reinvent the wheel. I’m just trying to get as much truth from as many people and try to come semblance of my own. Thank you! Please continue to do so! Your friend!

    • Thanks for your words, Justice. I also want to thank you for your openness and all that you share with us; it really is amazing. I applaud and support what you are trying to do. Gender equality has always been a thing for me but thanks to your blog I have learned so much more and have even expanded my views. Believe me, the quest for truth is a lifelong endeavor, and if it’s not it should be! Much love from me to you, friend!

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