Poetry and personal blog – Spilling my guts to strangers

Audience of One

So what’s next? I almost feel that if I never wrote another word, I’d have accomplished so much. But even as I write this I know that there’s always further I can go.  There’s always more isn’t there, always further, always harder, which is probably why I’m never satisfied. I never want to be satisfied. I always want to want. There was a time when I thought I had all the answers and therefore I stopped questioning, didn’t want to upset the status quo. No more. Life bitch slapped me and if that wasn’t the best thing that ever happened to me ever then I don’t know what was. It was as if I had fallen into the most functional coma and only the most intense pain could bring me out of it and I am so grateful for the new life that emerged. More life than life had ever been. And new resolve to write, to do what obsesses me, to give in to it. To share it is the “little death,” if you will, in every way, and sometimes the abject fear of it is unbearable, brings me to my knees, it prostrates me; the thrill of it takes my breath away and I do it again and again. I do myself and who are my lovers?  But I don’t want to be tied, don’t want to be pegged. Sometimes I don’t even think I want the responsibility. I want to write without using a condom. But random unprotected sex is stupid just stupid That’s a stupid thing to say. Sometimes I am so stupid.

© Sweepy Jean and Sweepy Jean Explores the (Webby) World, 2010.


Comments on: "Audience of One" (31)

  1. I think this is such a place that we all (should) come to at some point in our existence. It reminds me of:

    “At the time, my life just seemed too complete, and maybe we have to break everything to make something better out of ourselves.” ~Chuck Palahniuk, Fight Club, Chapter 6

    “I say never be complete. I say stop being perfect. I say let’s evolve. Let the chips fall where they may.” ~Fight Club movie, screenplay by Jim Uhls

    • Unfortunately, I know a lot of people who never reach this point, who think appearing to be perfect is everything. That could easily have been me.

      Thanks for the Fight Club quotes, I’ll have to check it out. I had always assumed it was just an action film from the title. My son, my sensai of coolness, confirms that it is much more than that! 😉

  2. I was on my way out the door when I go the alert that you had posted a new blog. *screeching halt, turn around take a moment and read*

    Writing without a condom, is the only way you really give birth to anything worth while. You amaze me, and I see nothing stupid about you…other than that you think you have the capability of stupidity. There is more depth in you, more rawness, more “cum” than most people dream of. Rock your writing, whore that pen (keyboard)around and give birth to the amazing work.

    • Thank you so much, Lisa, you’re the best. Your words of encouragement mean so much to me. There’s some nice poetry in your comments!

  3. “I always want to want.” YES!Never settle. No sunrise is the same so why should I think I have seen a sunrise! “I always want to want.” Bless you!

  4. One of my favorite quotes from Kerouac (On the Road) “This is the Story of America. Everybody’s doing what they think they’re supposed to do.”
    We naturally build those cozy, secure existences and do everything we can to maintain them. Some never come out of that.
    For a good example think of the biblical story of Paul, secure in his concept of his life, doing what he was supposed to do until struck blind in the middle of the road. Agree or disagree with him, that’s not the point. He never went back to his old life and as a result he effected major change.
    Say what you have to say. Don’t worry about “protection” for your writing. Anything true will find an audience. We only get one spin around, and to make it count, you have to risk many things. (Stupid is far from what you are Sweepyjean.)

    • Thanks so much for your comments. Your examples from Kerouac and Paul resonate with me, the conventions of American life and suddenly having some sense knocked into you. Since everybody’s pulling out quotes here, this whole deal of opening up has the ring of craziness to it, like the Gnarls Barkley song, Crazy:

      I remember when, I remember
      I remember when I lost my mind
      There was something so pleasant about that place
      Even your emotions have an echo in so much space

      Um, I dunno, whatever, I think maybe yours was better!

  5. I can’t go any further with my memoir but I didn’t know why. Now I do. I can’t write them with a condom, and I’m afraid to take that condom off!! Thanks for pegging that so well. Alas…?

    • I know the fear all too well, and I feel it on a regular basis now. I protect my identity because of my job, but as for family, they have to deal with it. However you do it, it has to be on your terms and in a way you feel comfortable. Opening up can be so freeing.

  6. Go on – I dare you to write without a condom! Be wild!

  7. Bravo! Everything about what you have written here encourages me– and the rest of us, clearly. I left the Red Room because of the comment monitoring and came to Word Press and now, as you saw with my piece about my mother, am trying to break through not a reticence but a loyalty to the sensitivities and sensibilities of others, my ghosts. Don’t know you if you saw my piece about self-pleasuring but what you’ve written here reminds me of it in certain ways. Keep letting go…xxj

    • Thank you, Jenne’, I’m sure going to try. I understand about sensitivities to others, and of course everyone should to do what they think is best based on their situation.

  8. I found you through Authentic Blogger and have read over some of your past posts, I really like what you write and am now following along. Keep writing, condom or no…


  9. I love the dirty imagery of writing bareback. But it’s not just about abandon – it’s also about trust. I think when you get to that place in your relationship with yourself, it’s safe to remove the prophylactic and try to fill your writing with life without worrying about getting or giving a disease. I love your blog – thanks for sharing and inspiring.

    • Thanks so much, Kelly. I think you make an excellent point about not worrying about getting and giving disease. Sometimes this is a nasty business.

  10. […] Racial America Editor, Writer, or Poet? Audience of One (In this post, I was supposed to be talking to myself, ie, my own audience) In Real Time Women and […]

  11. Love this! So raw and real.

  12. Your words are raw and real. I understand where you are coming from. You won’t give birth to anything with a condom anyway. And it’s important to be true to yourself!

  13. I suppose we could wait for “let it all hang out” to get polished into “to thine own self be true,” but why? Yeah, it’s prettier, more highfalutin’ – but less real (less true) for most of us.

    Forget the condom – go for it. The words will have more feeling.

  14. Don’t we all wish we could throw all caution to the wind and go for ‘unprotected writing’? Ahhh the bliss, the thrill of ‘irresponsibility’ as you had suggested. But I would have to agree that somehow, that won’t be very wise. Writing with honesty is different from writing about just anything. I still believe that there should be off-limits topics but whatever I choose to write about should stay true to who I am. That’s what I think at least 🙂

    • I hear ya, Joy! For me, I don’t think there are any topics that should be off limits depending on the context and the intent. And even then it doesn’t matter if we write only for ourselves, as if in a diary or journal. In our own personal space, there don’t have to be limits.

  15. Oh, we sure can handle your blog without all that protection! Just go on girl, tell us like you want to! 🙂

  16. Breathtaking. Raw writing at its best. Emoting from the gut. “Without a condom” “I do myself and who are my lovers?” Breaking through that fear. Coming out into the freedom of words. Rampaging through them the way you did was just brilliant. If this is the way you write, and what you write, you have greatness in you that must out and be heard.

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