Poetry and personal blog – Spilling my guts to strangers

Forgiveness

I had thought about not bringing up my husband’s past infidelity, especially since for the last 5 years there’s been no sign of any misbehavior. I imagine that as he reads my posts, of which he is so very supportive, he thinks I only mention him as an afterthought. I guess he thinks I hate him–and sometimes I do, but just not now.

My husband was supposed to be my perfect match.

Reconciliation has not been easy. When I was feeling my lowest, I used to visit a really good message board that helped me a lot. One person said that a marriage affected by infidelity is like a broken vase, and that trying to make it work is like gluing the pieces back together. Although the vase regains its shape, the cracks will always show.

It took a while, but at least I’m over hating myself for being in the dark about his cheating at the time, for never being able to pinpoint anything for sure, and ultimately, for trusting; also, for a certain kind of dependency and complacency, a strategy of not dealing with my own issues in the service of others.

After all the crying, screaming, praying, and therapy, we are still together and so much wiser. We are learning about healthy ways to achieve self fulfillment.

We also learned that forgiveness, like love, is not automatic. It’s a process. I forgive him more and more each day. Sometimes, I still get angry. But today, I love my husband.

© Sweepy Jean and Sweepy Jean Explores the (Webby) World, 2009.

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Comments on: "Forgiveness" (6)

  1. Thanks for your honesty and clarity. I believe you are giving voice to women who sincerely desire to get to the place where you are now. Forgiveness is powerful but it is a process.

    • Yes, forgiveness is powerful and benefits the one who does the forgiving even more than the one who is forgiven. It truly lifts the weight of anger off the shoulders.

      Thanks so much, Pamela.

  2. Tonight, I got caught up on my basic reading, writing, and emailing…at the end of it, I decided to take a deeper look into your blog. I’m glad I did. Be on the look out in the next week or so for me to send you a private “Widow lady” post, that is edited out of my blog but will be in my book. My husband never cheated on me, but the woman I name in my earlier blog that he still loved…cheating is why he felt he could never go back over that bridge. The gift you give here, I want to give to you…Namaste Sweepy, I adore your power.

  3. The human being is an amazing entity. We are survivors and adapters. As one who has had to walk the road of striving to forgive it’s hard to let other folks know the energy required to stay unhealed. To refuse to walk the path of forgiveness, which is exactly how you describe it: a process, we force the wound to stay open, and create infection with in us. As painful as the process is, I’m glad you chose, and continue to choose to walk it out!

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