I had thought about not bringing up my husband’s past infidelity, especially since for the last 5 years there’s been no sign of any misbehavior. I imagine that as he reads my posts, of which he is so very supportive, he thinks I only mention him as an afterthought. I guess he thinks I hate him–and sometimes I do, but just not now.
My husband was supposed to be my perfect match.
Reconciliation has not been easy. When I was feeling my lowest, I used to visit a really good message board that helped me a lot. One person said that a marriage affected by infidelity is like a broken vase, and that trying to make it work is like gluing the pieces back together. Although the vase regains its shape, the cracks will always show.
It took a while, but at least I’m over hating myself for being in the dark about his cheating at the time, for never being able to pinpoint anything for sure, and ultimately, for trusting; also, for a certain kind of dependency and complacency, a strategy of not dealing with my own issues in the service of others.
After all the crying, screaming, praying, and therapy, we are still together and so much wiser. We are learning about healthy ways to achieve self fulfillment.
We also learned that forgiveness, like love, is not automatic. It’s a process. I forgive him more and more each day. Sometimes, I still get angry. But today, I love my husband.
© Sweepy Jean and Sweepy Jean Explores the (Webby) World, 2009.